just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
