I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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