be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
