If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
