Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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