I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
