he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
