Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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