I can't watch pbs sober anymore
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
