look no pants
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
