remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
