well I can't set my house on fire every night
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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