My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
