The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It was confusing and full of hummus
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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