I have demons in me.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
