I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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