I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
