Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Go christen that room with your naked body.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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