I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
