Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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