totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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