Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
