youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
