my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
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Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
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So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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