Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
