Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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