My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
