Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
