i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
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we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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