you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
