I want to make a zoo with you.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
