K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
