The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
