How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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