Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
