my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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