12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
