I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
