please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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