There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
There r osticjed everywhere
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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