you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
