new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
40s are totally the cure
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
