if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
