I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
