I wish I could teleport
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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