I think I died a long time ago.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
