she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
