OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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