sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
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Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
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When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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