when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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