The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
