I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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