What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
