When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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