Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
