By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
