do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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