You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
