I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
