Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
