she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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