Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
