At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
People in love make me want to vomit
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
