dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
