Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
